Firefly

By Chad Smalt

When I was young, about twelve maybe, I figured out that I could fly. Not exactly fly, not right away, but if I concentrated hard enough I was able to float up off the ground a little. Sometimes I couldn't do it at all, and other times -- it always surprised me -- I shot up flying into the sky. I practiced as much as I could; as you would imagine, flying amazed me in my young age.

At first I had to use a board to launch. I used this old board I found in the garage at my Mom's house, there wasn't really anything special about it, in fact it was old grey and warped with splinters all over it. But I still thought it was special, because I thought something amazing was happening to me, and therefore everything I did was special and magical. I used the board pretty much like it was a wheel-less skateboard. I would go out into the back yard with it, because I didn't want anyone to see me try it. Then I would bend forward a bit at the waist and hold the board in front, at my knees, with my hands on each end. I had to concentrate, so for a long while I would just stand there like that, staring at the rough board with its one knot; it looked like a big brown swirly eye. After a minute or two, if nothing disturbed me, I would close my eyes, and count one…two…three, jump. It wasn't so much jumping as it was pulling my knees up fast enough to get my feet on the board before I hit the ground, but I jumped a little too. It was pretty difficult to get my feet on top of the board just right, and before we (my board and I) hit the ground. I must have tried it a million times over the years. Some days I couldn't get it right even once, other days I was on fire and I got on almost every time, and still even when I did it right, sometimes I would just hit the ground anyway. But I never lost my faith; I just kept trying over and over, that's what kids do. I was still thinking of the old board like it was a surf-board, at that time. So when I landed my feet on it in mid air, I would have my knees bent and my arms thrown out for balance, just like a surfer. I must have looked really stupid, as if I was expecting a wave of grass to come along and give me a ride in my backyard.

After some time, and little success with the surfboard method, I thought maybe it would work better as a magic carpet. The way I was jumping onto the board, bringing my knees all the way up to my chest - I already had my butt just about on the board. So instead of landing my feet on the board, I started jump-sitting on it. I remember I was really excited about this new plan; it didn't last too long though. After landing on the board, and on the ground, just a few times, I didn't feel so good. My butt was in bad shape after only and hour of practice. At this time I was spending about six hours a day trying to fly and I knew that only an hour wasn't going to get me into the air. I was very disappointed after this, and decided to take a break for a while and think things through. I tried to sit on the picnic table, near the back porch, but that hurt too much, so I had to lie on top of it, on my stomach.

I was so depressed I didn't even bother to prop my head up with one of my hands, I just kept my arms at my sides and my chin on the table. I had just flopped myself on top of the table, like I was a wet noodle. I was looking across the backyard, I remember it was early in the summer morning; the grass was just barely wet with dew, for another five minutes. This was just before those damn bugs started making that sound, loud and obnoxious, all day long – you know that sound. But it was before all that and I was looking at the trunk of the only tree in our backyard. It was a nice big tree; it had a smooth grey trunk and green leaves that were shaped something like hearts, with two round humps on one end that tapered off into a little point on the other. Those leaves had it easy they lived in the air, and all they had to do was hang on.

I couldn't move my head much without scraping my chin, so I had to move my eyes around. If I moved my eyes all the way to the right, I could just barely see the dirt spot where I practiced. I was just staring at it because there was nothing left to stare at, and my butt was still sore. That's when I saw this leaf fall, it was a nicely shaped bright green one, and it shouldn't have fallen but it did and it fell right on my spot.

That's when it hit me, maybe I could float, but instead of down like the leaf I could float up. I was pretty excited about that idea, as it seemed simple enough and I turned over and looked up at the sky. I remember it was all a nice light blue with no clouds. I don't know if I understood all of it at the time, but I had heard of reverse psychology.

The leaf had fallen, and floated, even if just for a short time, because it had let go. It wasn't supposed to because it was green, and summer had just started, the leaf was supposed to hang out in the air with the other leafs and fool around with the wind, for a long time before it could float away. But it had let itself go; the leaf had to have done it by itself, because you know the tree would not have let a nice new leaf go. Its not like the leaf died either, it just floated calmly, straight down, there was no wind just then, and landed gently. The leaf was still there just at a distance. Sure the wind was usually there and always trying to coax all of the other leaves off all the tress; but that didn't happen this time. The wind could sometimes blow leaves away from their tree, into some far off place. You had to think that even the next back yard was a strange place for a little green leaf.

I still wonder about that leaf, what it was thinking and what its plan was. I know it's just a leaf, but something made it do that, and it wasn't the wind. It just seemed like it wanted to fall straight down, like it knew exactly what it was doing. Its not often you see a green leaf fall, from such a height, and go straight down, and you had to think that that leaf knew, its only chance to pull off that feat was right then. You had to think that leaves knew a lot about the wind.

Anyways, I don't know if I thought about all of that, but I was staring up at the cloudless sky and thinking: What if I fooled my mind somehow? The sky had a strange personality that day, and I remember looking up and wondering how far away it was. I knew it was right in front of me, in fact it was on my nose, all around me, and yet it looked far away. I wondered how far that blue was, I know now that that blue would always be far away, no matter how high I flew into the sky. There was no way to tell what was close and what was far away in that sky, I think that helped me.

So I thought I would just pretend I had the board and that would be easier on my butt. I thought I would try to let go, and float up instead of down, and be close and far away at the same time. I thought if I pretended well enough my mind would think I still had the board, and if I let go with my mind still tricked maybe I would float up instead of down. I jumped off the picnic table and laughed a little as I watched my feet land on the ground. I walked right back and stood on my dirt spot, and started doing what I had done before, but without the board. I bent over forward and let my arms dangle down; then I closed my eyes and concentrated. I was excited about this new plan and it took me a while to calm down before I tried it.

I jumped, pulled my legs up and pretended to put the board under my feet again. I forgot, that first time, and went back to the surfboard idea, but it still worked! I floated up just a little bit almost not at all, but I was pretty sure it was something. I laughed at myself, forgetting and using the old idea, but I knew I was close. As soon as I could compose myself and suppress my excitement I got right back on my spot. This time I didn't forget, when I jumped I pulled my hands up under me like I was sitting on the board and I flew! I started moving straight up, right away and I opened my eyes, just to see if it was really happening. I think I opened my eyes too quickly because about as soon as I did, I started floating back down. I know I had felt it happen, but I still had to open my eyes to make sure for some reason. I floated into a few of the grey tree branches too, which surprised me, I hadn't thought I was so close to the tree. I tried again, this time I moved from my dirt spot, I didn't want to, but I had to have a clear path to the sky if I was going to fly. After I moved my spot, that's when I really started flying. I just took off! It was great, the best thing I have ever done! It felt so amazing like Christmas morning, Halloween, candy, and Danielle's kiss all at once. I know you don't believe me but it really happened just that way.

Sometimes I only went up a little way, other times I went soaring over top of everything. I was practicing now like mad, of course, and I was getting better and better. When I would get a good one, and go way up, it always happened the same way. I learned to just trust, and keep my eyes closed in the beginning until I was on my way, for some reason opening my eyes too soon killed it. It always started slow like I was just sitting there in the air for a moment and then I would start slowly up, moving faster as I went higher and then I could open my eyes. It was amazing to see the top of my Mom's house, something that I was always under and knew alot about but had never truly seen, not from this perspective. It was strange to think about only ever looking up at everything, and not just looking at them. The houses and cars would get smaller and smaller as I rose, the roads stretched out all over like grey crossword puzzles, and then the tops of the trees would become one big clump of dark green. The houses became little boxes and I could see the fields and forests in between the towns where no one lived, they were jagged and free, not like the town grids. Soon, as I went faster, ponds and lakes looked like tear drops and everything started coming together in big blurry groups of green, blue, brown, and white. It was exciting like a roller coaster, but I could hardly even be scared because I was so amazed. That was about as far as I could go. I knew it wasn't complete, but it felt like I was seeing the whole world all at once, that's when I would start to slow down. It always happened the same way and as I made it to my peak height I slowed just like how I started. There was this slow moment way up there, like a little nap, when the world seemed to stop, I gazed down past my feet, just before I started speeding again, flying back down to earth.

Watching everything come speeding back towards me again was the weirdest part. The little boxes turned into houses, the clumps of green turned out to be forests and then trees. The maze of grey lines turned into highways, streets and roads. It was an overwhelming rush, watching everything go from blurry and beautiful, back to just normal, all hard and straight. Everything looked so much better from a distance. The beginning and the end was always very slow and as I came closer I was just floating down. After a while I found out that I could steer myself a little with my hands. It was like swimming, I held my palms out with my fingers together and swirled my hands in the air, this way I was able to move in all directions if I wanted to. The faster I was flying, the further I could move and as I flew closer to the ground I could only make small adjustments. I was still at the winds whim sometimes.

Yes, there were times I landed on top of a building or in a tree, but I was never hurt, I was going too slowly for that. I became very good at flying like this, it is about all I ever did, but it was still very hard to do. Sometimes I would only go up a few feet, or maybe I would just go up one hundred feet and shoot back down. It could be dangerous if I lost my concentration and started back down before I was supposed to, but sometimes I would fly just right and it was the best ride I ever had. Sometimes I would seem to get stuck floating in one spot for a while and I would have to restart in mid-air. I don't think you can float in one spot and stay there unless something is wrong. Those are some of the things I was able to figure out, but I'm not an expert. What else? One time I tried to take my dog, George, with me, but that didn't work out too well, I don't think you can take anyone else with you; I had to do it by myself. Don't ask me anything else about how it happened, I can't tell you anything more. Everyone has to do it themselves.